Moving McAllister

Let me start by saying, The Plow you owe me $24. The breakdown goes like this; $2 for the rental of this tepid piece of refuse, $2 for the late fee on The Ice Rink because I used up time that I could have been watching that, on this drivel. And I would pay myself for two hours of work at the rate of $10 per hour. This seems fair to me, for dragging me through this sad use of celluloid. My apologies to all, but I needed to get that straightened out immediately.

Before I start my review of this "film" I want to also make clear that I think that it is a crime that The Plow didn't hang in there and finish this one because if he had he would have laid waste to this movie and we would have some truly hilarious and inspired commentary from him. But life is what it is and now I will do my best to help clarify my position.

The most alarming aspect of this movie is that the way that it unfolds. There is the usual outline of the lovable, flappable, and sincere protagonist thrown together with the nightmare personality to make a thin watery cocktail that makes up the bulk of the plot. This is topped off with a paper umbrella in the form of a loose canon that is supposed to be the contemporary version of an impromptu life coach. All this is wrapped in the obligatory overly simplistic bending of the space-time continuum. This formula has become a standard for Hollywood.



Let me now break down this fiasco. The meal of light romantic comedic fare starts with the first course in the form of our lead (Rick) being introduced by none other than Rutger Hauer (McAllister). Hauer is someone whose career has gone in some strange directions and it appears it is now about paying for the lifestyle he has become accustomed to. He makes a brief appearance as a safe version of the Hitcher, and then is on his way to the bank. Here is an amazing talent that has executed a number of his roles magnificently, but à la DeNiro and Nicholson he has become a caricature of himself. He's a force in the film world strong enough that people just want to syphon off a taste of his personality.





The entirety of this overly simplistic plot is hinged on the good looking but goofy Rick trying desperately to realize his dream of becoming a partner in a large law firm by interning while he studies for the bar exam. Years of hard work culminate into this, what appears the defining moment in his career. He accepts the ridiculous task of becoming a transporter for McAllister, the man who has the key to his dream. In his eagerness to please his potential boss, he pantingly agrees to move his young niece Michelle (played by Mila Kunis of that "70s Show" fame) across the country, despite the fact that he has to cram for the bar exam, which is five days away. So begin the hijinks. Many comedic obstacles are quickly thrown in his path but none as large as when he arrives at the pick-up point to collect the "package."

Our antagonist and inevitable love interest is an unlikely mishmash of a completely self-absorbed nightmare and an "enlightened free spirit." She treats our hero with an air of superiority, but it's easy to "let go" when you don't have anything to hold onto in the first place. This is the sort of unbelievable character that has become standard fare at the box office and it's a sad commentary on where our values have ended up. Right off the bat, this annoying combo becomes an unbearable duo, since we know the outcome of this rice paper plot. She basically tortures this guy through a combination of her narcissistic outlook on life and just plain malice. Heavy words, I know, but if you distill this character this is the resulting libation. The interactions of these two characters ebb and flow throughout the film as they run into one wacky turn for the worse after another. Whilst the clock ticks.

Thrown into the mix of all this "zany fun" is indie heartthrob John Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) ambling in as the "spiritual" accomplice of the aforementioned nightmare. This is the section of the film I feel that The Plow could really sink his teeth into and that I find the most disheartening and worrisome. The unrealistic comedic happenings that ensue multiply with Heder on the set and so do vapid reflections of the nature of the universe. Spirituality is used to sell tickets here, and proves nothing is sacred in Hollywood. This supposed insightful farce posing as a whimsical look at the journey of the soul compelled me to write this lengthy review rather than leaving it at one paragraph.

By the end of this, our poor spineless nothing of a human gives up years of hard work, a sizable financial investment, not to mention a lifelong dream, to be with someone that is so unstable and self centered, that right up until a minute or so before the end credits roll she is "playfully" beating him. Then it is off into the sunset arm in arm, previous life goals be damned. Thankfully though, this train wreck of a movie is one you can turn away from, which is exactly what The Plow did.

-Bitter

First off I want to personally thank director Andrew Black for making this movie. Due to you I have learned things I may never have taken the time to learn. Let me explain.

My lady and I had put on some bullshit DVD and one of the previews was for the movie “Moving McAllister” .So I thought “hmm that might be a little bit of brainless escapism” so I put it on the netflix and proceeded to forget of the movie’s existence. Then one rainy northwestern day I opened the mailbox to find “Moving McAllister” awaiting my review. The film stars celebrity heart throb Jon Heder who has won the world over with his brilliant portrayal of a reality deprived x generation nerd retard who you could easily picture being a major player in the plushie scene.
I will say it right now, “moving McAllister” moved me, within ten minutes of the film I was moved to get off my fat ass and shut the fucking T.V. off in order to do something productive with my night. It takes a very special film to make you realize how fucking pathetic you are for wasting your time watching such garbage. In my bitter distaste and contempt for “Camera 40 Productions” who released this drivel I couldn’t even put on another movie, it had turned my stomach bitter to the taste of T.V.
So instead I picked up a book I had checked out of the local library about Yup’ik masks.






The Yup’ik are a people from southwestern Alaska who have a long rich tradition of making extravagant hand crafted ceremonial masks. I mean some of these pieces could be in a contemporary art museum. There were a couple pieces that reminded me of some masks coming out of the European DADA movement. I know that MATTA was a big admirer of “primitive art” and you can see how this influenced his work. I am sure like MATTA, there are a vast number of contemporary artist consistently raping and foraging the artistic styles of these primitive people just as the white man has literally been raping and foraging them since his arrival in the new world.

I now feel like I have a little more understanding for these native people as thanks to Mr. McAllister I to had just been raped by the white mans greed . I began to wonder, what if the Yup’ik people made a road trip movie and what would it be like. Maybe Hollywood should get their heads out of each others buttholes and give some funding to the people who put the crazy in crazy horse. I mean can you imagine the kind of hi jinx a bunch of young single Yup’ik studs cruising across the country would get into, I mean what would Bogeyakuk’s first strip bar experience be like, or beaver Nunakauyaq’s transvestite encounter.

Well you can keep your bullshit Hollywood rehash. As for me, I’ll be at the library awaiting the release of “Moving Bogeyakuk”

-Plow